Internet Info 1994 March/Internet Info CD-ROM (Walnut Creek) (March 1994).iso/answers/alt/letterman/faq

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From: [e-mail] (Aaron Barnhart)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.letterman,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.letterman Frequently Asked Questions (read before posting)
Followup-To: alt.fan.letterman
Date: 20 Mar 1994 21:43:50 -0600
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Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and
    their answers) about the Late Show/Late Night with David Letterman.
    New readers of the alt.fan.letterman newsgroup should read this
    FAQ list before posting.  Trust me on this.
Xref: bloom-beacon.mit.edu alt.fan.letterman:18391 alt.answers:2151 news.answers:16621

Archive-name: letterman/faq
Last-modified: Sun Mar 20 21:37:14 CST 1994
Version: 9.04

======================================================================
 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) for the alt.fan.letterman newsgroup
======================================================================

From New York: Articles held over 30 days will be resold ...

It's the FAQ LIST for David Letterman!

with

the A. F. of L. newsgroup ...

and

FAQ compiler Aaron Barnhart ...

plus

Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra ...

and now ...

the FAQkeeper for "Get a Life" ...

DAAAAAAVID LLLLLETTERMAN !!


======================================================================
Top Ten Questions Asked on the A. F. of L. Newsgroup.
======================================================================

10.    Where can I write to get free tickets to the Late Show?
    --> Send a postcard (no letters) with your name and address to:
        Tickets
        Late Show with David Letterman
        Ed Sullivan Theatre
        1697 Broadway
        New York, NY  10019
        Requests are limited to 2 tickets.  The _Times_ says that
        "ordinarily, requests for specific dates cannot be
        accommodated."  Within a few weeks you will receive a reply
        postcard informing you that tickets should be mailed to you
        within three months.  As of March 1994, the actual wait for
        tickets was four and a half months from receipt of postcard.

9.    I understand there is a mailing list for the nightly Top
    Ten list.
    --> Yup.  Here's what you do to subscribe.
        Send a message to:  [e-mail]
        In the body of the message enter the following information:
        SUBSCRIBE LETTERMAN-TOP-TEN YourFirstName YourLastName
        Do not enter anything except what is said above.  If done
        correctly, you will receive a confirmation message stating
        that you've been added to the list.

8.    I sent mail to [e-mail] and Dave didn't write me back!
    --> Maybe that's because cbs.com is a medical supplier based in
        Bismarck, North Dakota.  At present there is no Internet
        address for the _Late Show_ or even CBS Television.

7.    I understand that woman posing as "Dave's Mom" was really an
    actress named Sylvia Henderson.
    --> Write back when you've taken Psychology 101.  As Freud
        himself said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

6.    Boy, the show isn't what it used to be back when they had
    Louis Nye and Don Knotts and Tom Poston on.
    --> You don't get out much, do you?

5.    No, really, I mean it.  That guy in TIME Magazine had it right
    when he said the new Dave is "boring" and "defanged."
    --> Oh, baloney.  I suppose you missed the show last week when
        the car fell through the floor of the Ed Sullivan Theatre.

4.    Do Letterman's people read this newsgroup?  I think they must
    because they're stealing all of our ideas.
    --> Richard "Shecky" Sheckman, who's been with the show since
        1982 and is its video coordinator, has been setting up some
        of the staff with Net accounts.  Audio consultant Michael
        Delugg and talent booker Christine Schomer have been spotted
        posting to the group.  There is talk that the Late Show will
        have an electronic address, but it won't be announced until
        they're sure they can maintain it properly.  >>> Not long
        ago, the CBS affiliate in Minneapolis profiled the A. F. of
        L. (without, of course, our permission).

3.    I hate Paul.  Don't you?
    --> It would be nice if he opened every number with a drum solo,
        just like the Max Weinberg 7.

2.    Now where's the FAQ list again?
    --> It will be posted here and to news.answers each month,
        on or before the 20th.  If for some reason you miss the
        posting, the list is available via anonymous FTP from
        ftp.mcs.net in the file
            /mcsnet.users/barnhart/letterman/
            alt.fan.letterman.faq.txt
        and is also available via anonymous FTP from rtfm.mit.edu
        in the directories
                /pub/usenet/alt.fan.letterman OR
        /pub/usenet/news.answers/letterman
        The FAQ is also via mail server.  Send mail to
            [e-mail]
        with the following line in the body:
        send usenet/news.answers/letterman/faq

And the Number One Question Asked on the A. F. of L. Newsgroup:

1.    Is there an archive site for Lettermania?
    --> Yes there is.  See "About this FAQ List and the A. F.
        of L. Archive," below.

======================================================================
Questions about David Michael Letterman.
======================================================================

Q.    When was Dave born?
A.    April 1947, to Joe and Dorothy Letterman.  Dave's dad was a
    florist and had what Dave calls a "big personality.  He was
    loud and liked to goof off and say funny things and do things to
    provoke you and get under your skin."  By contrast, Dave's mom,
    as we have all witnessed, "is the least demonstrative person in
    the world."  When Joe died 20 years ago, Dave said it was "the
    worst time in my life."  Dave's mom was church secretary for many
    years at Second Presbyterian Church in Broad Ripple, Indiana,
    then a suburb of Indianapolis, which is where the Lettermans
    (including Dave's two sisters) grew up.

Q.    I understand that during his growing-up years, Dave was pretty
    much, and I'm quoting now, a "dork."
A.    In February, the CBS affiliate in Boston did a three-part series
    on the early years of Dave's life.  The reporter interviewed
    the manager of the Atlas Market, who hired Dave to work there
    over 30 years ago, and showed a photo (also reproduced in
    Caroline Latham's _The David Letterman Story_) of him standing
    next to an enormous side of beef.  It is fair to say that Dave
    looked "like a 16-year-old serial killer."  In his own defense,
    Dave has said, "I think there's something wrong if high school
    is the greatest experience of your life."

Q.    Where did Dave attend college?
A.    Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana.  He was a TV/Radio
    major with a minor in speech, and pledged Sigma Chi.  Some of
    his frat brothers described Dave as very funny and self-confident.
    According to the Boston t.v. report, Dave has quietly been very
    generous with donations to the university and various humanitarian
    causes, and was largely responsible for the new Sigma Chi building
    at Ball State.  In 1985 he endowed the David Letterman Scholarship
    there, an annual gift to a telecommunications major based solely
    on his or her creativity, *not* grades.

Q.    Is Dave married?
A.    Dave was married to a college sweetheart, Michelle Cook, but
    they divorced in 1977.  For several years he and Late Night
    head writer Merrill Markoe were engaged, but that fizzled as
    Merrill sought her own career opportunities, which were mostly
    in California.  Dave is presently in a relationship with former
    Late Night staffer Regina Lasko, who is now a production
    manager with Saturday Night Live.  She is keeping separate
    residence in Greenwich Village, Dave says, for privacy reasons.

Q.    Who was the woman who kept breaking into Dave's Connecticut
    home claiming to be "Mrs. Letterman"?
A.    Margaret Ray.  And she still breaks in from time to time,
    according to Dave in his January 1994 _Playboy_ interview.  He
    says he has tried to get her some psychiatric help, because the
    state has let her case "fall through the cracks."  But for now,
    she's on the lam.

Q.    Should I break into Dave's home?
A.    Oh, why not.  Just be out of there by 10 p.m. when he comes
    home.  Also, our friend Jen from North Dakota recently cruised
    by Dave's home and says that at the end of Dave's driveway
    on this big tree there is a sign nailed into that says...
    "These premises protected by Security Attack Cats."

Q.    I heard that Dave used to be a weatherman in Indianapolis.
A.    From 1969 to 1974, as an intern and later a full-timer, Dave
    worked for his hometown Channel 13, as weatherman, host of a
    Saturday morning kids' show and of the late-late movie, and
    as bench announcer.  We understand Dave once reported that the
    city was being pelted with hail "the size of canned hams" and
    enthusiastically congratulated a tropical storm when it was
    upgraded to hurricane status.

Q.    Didn't he have a radio show, too?
A.    For about a year following his t.v. job.  It was at WNTS, back
    when it was all-talk.  This gig did not go so well for him.
    "I was miscast because you have to have somebody who is fairly
    knowledgeable, fairly glib, possessing a natural interest in a
    number of topics," he later told an interviewer.  "That
    certainly is not me.  I don't care about politics. ... The
    Nixon-Watergate nonsense was the perfect example of something
    about which I knew nothing and couldn't have cared less."  So
    Dave got bored and started making stuff up.  According to
    Caroline Latham, one time "he told his listeners that their
    beloved 230-foot-tall Soldier's Monument ... had been sold to
    the island of Guam, whose government planned to paint it green
    in honor of their national vegetable, the asparagus."  >>> It
    has been rumored that Dave got fired for his on-air remarks at
    Channel 13 or WNTS.  In fact, the only place he ever got yanked
    from was Ball State's pathetic ten-watt all-classic campus
    radio station.

Q.    What else can you tell me about Dave's career in show bidness?
A.    As you may know, when Dave arrived in Hollywood in 1975 he
    found work as a comedy writer for Jimmie Walker, Paul Lynde,
    and as a player on Mary Tyler Moore's short-lived variety show.
    Because of his friendship with Allen Ludden (I am not kidding),
    Dave landed a guest-star spot on Dick Clark's _$10,000 Pyramid,_
    where, quite frankly, he was thoroughly outclassed by the
    effervescent JoAnne Worley.  In 1979, Dave played a Werner
    Erhard-alike in an episode of _Mork and Mindy._  His other
    acting credits include _Open All Night_ (a t.v. show which
    lasted the season between the morning and late-night shows,
    where Dave made several guest appearances), a murder mystery
    called _Fast Friends_ starring Dick Shawn as a talk show host
    who drops dead and is replaced by Dave, _The Building_ (yet
    another short-lived t.v. show, which aired in 1993, starred
    Bonnie Hunt, was co-produced by Dave, and featured Dave in a
    one-episode cameo), played himself on _The Larry Sanders Show_
    (he "leaked" to Larry that the 12:35 show on CBS would be given
    to Tom Snyder), and a movie cameo in _Cabin Boy_ (1994), which
    starred Chris Elliott and which, had it been released just two
    months later, would have easily stolen the box office from
    _Ace Ventura: Pet Detective._  He also hosted that hilarious
    Emmy Award presentation on Fox a few years back.

Q.    I wonder why Dave doesn't do more movies?
A.    In fact, Dave was under contract to Touchstone Pictures, but
    has since gotten removed from it.  What happened was Michael
    Eisner, the chairman of Walt Disney Company, signed Letterman to
    *not* do movies for other companies.  "Eisner's kid had gotten
    ol' Dad to wrangle some tickets when Dave was in L.A.," recalls
    Bill Jones, who saw Eisner interviewed by Bob Costas on _Later._
    "Eisner ... got excited when he got there and saw the huge lines
    and movie-premiere atmosphere. He's thinking, this guy is like
    a movie star/rock star already. What could we do if we actually
    put him in the movies?  Delighted to find the next day that
    Dave had no movie obligations, they contacted Dave's people.
    They were shocked to find that our TV Pal wanted no part of any
    movie deal. He was pretty sure he would suck, and told them so
    many times. ... Dave suggested they go look at his screen test
    for _Airplane!_ in the role eventually played by Robert Hay.
    After the contract was signed, they finally did, and Eisner said
    he turned white as a ghost -- Dave really was that bad."
    Eventually, as Bill Carter reports, the contract was terminated
    and Disney's money more or less cheerfully refunded. >> The name
    of Dave's movie production company?  Cardboard Shoe.

Q.    Is it true Dave's got this thing for ... Tom Snyder?
A.    You betcha.  Dave was a big _Tomorrow_ show fan, and was more
    than a little uneasy about displacing Tom in 1982 (the show was
    cancelled to make room for Late Night).  Dave has said he
    feels Snyder ought to be on network television again, and has
    called into Tom's show on CNBC and before that when Tom hosted
    a nationally syndicated late-night radio show.  Most recently,
    in February, when Snyder's guest was Bill Carter, author of
    _The Late Shift_, Letterman called in identifying himself as
    "Don from Kokomo, Indiana" and claiming to be in his car circling
    Indianapolis on Route 465 at 95 mph with his lights off.  Rumors,
    allegedly emanating from Snyder's people, are that Tom will be
    tapped to host the 12:35 show on CBS following Late Show.  But
    Snyder denied any such negotiations are going on.

Q.    Dave seems to have become a huge celebrity overnight.
A.    Well, that'll happen when you make the covers of _Time_ and
    _Newsweek_ in one summer.  It's worth bearing in mind that all
    those years at NBC only brought Dave an average audience rating
    of 3 (of all t.v.'s in the U.S.).  On a bad night, the _Late
    Show_ attracts at least twice that.  So he's more visible, and
    he's one of the biggest showbiz stories right now.  Also, as
    Bill Carter pointed out, late-night programming has improved
    substantially in quality in recent years.  As a result, more
    viewers overall are staying up late.  Hence, anyone connected with
    a late-night show becomes a bigger story than, say, 10 years ago.
    Which is the only reason why _Washington Post_ t.v. critic Tom
    Shales would waste so many valuable column inches calling for the
    head of Dave's promising but very un-baby-boomerish successor
    Conan O'Brien.

    It also explains why Dave's fabled driving habits would land him
    rather unpleasantly on _Inside Edition._  Keith Rice reports
    that the tabloid t.v. show spent one morning tracking him on his
    way to work on the Merritt Parkway.  They clocked him at 65-70
    mph and showed Dave's hot rod darting in and out of traffic,
    with him nervously checking the rear view mirror to see if these
    creeps would go away.  After he arrived in New York, the _Inside
    Edition_ reporter confronted him, Geraldo Rivera-style, asking
    him how if he knew fast he was going.  Dave told him to check
    his files, so zip! out came a notebook from which the reporter
    began *reading* to Dave the vital statistics of each traffic
    ticket he had received in his adult life.  This prompted Our
    Racing Pal to crack, "Is this a part time job for you?", to
    which the reporter replied, "No, it isn't, it's full time."
    Dave strode off in a perfectly understandable huff.  Should you
    be allowed to file a story on a comedian when you yourself have
    no sense of humor?

======================================================================
Show Questions.
======================================================================

Q.    Wait!  I forgot to order tickets and I'm going to be in New
    York.  Are there standby tix available?
    --> You may get standby tickets for the show each tapeday at
        the box office at the Ed Sullivan Theater.  Standbys are
        distributed on a first-come-first-served basis, and are
        limited to one per person.  Standbys do not guarantee
        admission.  _You must be 16 or older to pick up a standby
        ticket and attend a taping._ (Taken from the official "we
        got your postcard" postcard.)  B.J. Gleason adds that
        people start lining up for these tix *early*, like 7 a.m.
        The giveaway occurs at 12 noon.

Q.    I've got tickets to the Big Show!  When should I show up to
    get good seats?  Any other tips?
    --> The tapings start at 5:30 p.m.  Seating is on a first-come-
        first-served basis, and lines begin forming as early as 1 p.m.
        (Some attendees say come a little later, like about 2:30 or 3,
        because you don't want to get seated right up front, where
        your view's obstructed by all the equipment.)  >>> Wear layers
        of clothes in winter.  The lobby is well-heated but the
        theatre itself if freezing (Dave likes it at 52 degrees F.,
        or else, as he told Bruno Kirby, "the jokes begin to spoil").
        >>> Some former audience members endorse *not* getting advance
        tix but waiting in line for standbys instead, the advantages
           being you have a lot more control over what day(s) you see the
        show (provided the line isn't too long), and you'll probably
        get balcony seats, which feature unobstructed views.  Standbys
        discussed above.  >>> Tim Veatch says that, at least on the
        old show, Dave would come out before the broadcast and shake
        the hands of the people who were first in line, and ask if
        anyone had "any questions about the show or what we do here,"
        so you might want to think one up just in case.  >>> Also,
        it seems to me he always hands out the souvenirs (Olympic
        Kielbasa, CBS Bologna) to the same two rows in the audience.

Q.    Is there any specific reason why audience members have to be
    16 or older?
A.    Each evening an audience member is chosen to drive Dave home.

Q.    What is the address for the CBS Mailbag?
A.    The address is:
        CBS Mailbag
        Late Show with David Letterman
        Ed Sullivan Theatre
        1697 Broadway
        New York, NY  10019

Q.    What is the address for Stupid Pet/Human Tricks?
A.    The address is:
        Susan Hall Sheehan
        Late Show with David Letterman
        Ed Sullivan Theatre
        1697 Broadway
        New York, NY  10019

Q.    What is the address for Calvert DeForest?
A.    The address is:
        Calvert DeForest
        Late Show with David Letterman
        Ed Sullivan Theatre
        1697 Broadway
        New York, NY  10019
    Are you starting to detect a pattern here?  Good.

Q.    Has anyone else noticed that the show seems to be running
    a little long?
A.       Perfectly normal.  The show runs from 11:35:00 pm till
    12:36:30 pm Eastern time.

Q.    What kind of ratings is the big shoo getting versus Jay et al.?
A.    John Carman in the 2/2/94 edition of the San Francisco Chronicle
    reports Dave has won EVERY week against Leno, virtually every
    night, save for a few like Sept. 13, when Burt Reynolds was
    on the Tonight Show.  One night in December, when Rush Limbaugh
    was on with Dave and Howard Stern with Jay, the Late Show won
    handily.  Dave is averaging in the low 6's, Jay in the low 4's,
    and _Nightline_ high in the 5's.  Ironically, Jay is stuck with
    an aging and less-sought-after audience, which was the knock
    against Johnny.  >>> Ted Koppel's "Nightline" remains strong,
    and some weeks actually beats Dave's show, but doesn't actually
    "steal" viewers from him.  Dave has essentially *created* his
    audience, ex nihilo, from his comic genius, top-tier guests, and
    his snappy Armani suits.  >>> During the Winter Olympics, all
    CBS affiliates were obliged to carry the Late Show at the correct
    time.  As a result, ratings averaged a blistering 8.8 for the
    two-week period, and the night of the Kerrigan-Harding skateoff
    Dave attracted nearly as large an audience as his opening night
    last August 30.  >>> _Playboy_ reports CBS execs confiding they
    would have made money if Dave had averaged merely a 3.5 rating.

Q.    What are some of Dave's "Indiana-isms?"
A.    From Tim Veatch --
    o   ask...or as we say in Indiana...ax
    o   Bush...or as we say in Indiana...Boosh
    o   extra...or as we say in Indiana...extree
    o   Illinois...or as we say in Indiana...Illinoiz
    o   Italian...or as we say in Indiana...Eye-talian
    o   mosquitos...or as we say in Indiana...skeeters
    o   nuclear...or as we say in Indiana...nuc-u-lar
    o   President Clinton...or as we say in Indiana...Pars'dent Clinton
    o   show business...or as we say in Indiana...show bidness
    o   similar...or as we say in Indiana...sim-u-lar
    o   special...or as we say in Indiana...spay-shul
    o   statistics...or as we say in Indiana...suh-tistics
    o   veteran...or as we say in Indiana...vet'rin
    o   Washington...or as we say in Indiana...Warshington

Q.    What are the different cities where Dave's "home office" was
    located during Late Night?
A.    o   Lebanon, Pennsylvania
    o   Lincoln, Nebraska
    o   Milwaukee, Wisconsin
    o   Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
    o   Omaha, Nebraska (in dispute)
    o   Oneonta, New York (the last Late Night home office)
    o   Scottsdale, Arizona
    o   Tahlequah, Oklahoma
    o   Tempe, Arizona
    o   Torrance, California

Q.    The Late Show's home office is in Sioux City, Iowa.  Has that town
    decided to start running Dave's show?
A.    According to Allen Newman, no.  "The 10:35-11:36 CT slot on KMEG-TV
    of Sioux City continues to be occupied by reruns of _Cheers_ and
    the first half of _Star_Trek:_The_Next_Generation_ (M/W/F) or the
    original _Star_Trek_ (T/Th).  I heard the station did surveys
    that indicated KMEG viewers prefer Star Trek over Dave 3 to 1."
    However, viewers can now catch Dave on the Sioux Falls, South Dakota
    station.  >>> Meanwhile, Sioux City's denizens are divided between
    embarrassment -- city officials are lobbying KMEG to carry the show
    -- and pride over the town's status.  Every business in town wants
    to actually be the home office.  The city has decided the old City
    Hall building will be the home office and a big sign has been
    erected identifying it as such.

Q.    What are the different types of "cams" that were used on
    Late Night?
A.    o   Amphi-cam (8th anniversary show at Universal Amphitheatre)
    o   Chair-cam
    o   Cow-cam
    o   Crash-cam
    o   Fig-cam (worn by Anton)
    o   Guest-cam (worn by Tom Hanks)
    o   Host-cam (worn by Dave, of course)
    o   Las Vegas Showgirl-Cam (from Dave's 1987 shows there)
    o   Love-cam (Bill Murray)
    o   Monkey-cam
    o   Sewer-cam
    o   Sky-cam
    o   Thrill-cam
    o   Thrill-cam 360
    o   Tiger-cam

Q.    Who played Helen, the Ill-Tempered Ticket Lady?
A.    Kathleen Ankers.  She also played Peggy, the Foul-Mouthed
    Chambermaid on Late Night.  (If you want to know what she
    said to Dave, see helen-quote on the ftp.mcs.net archive.)

Q.    What were the different animals that Dave had on Late Night
    to sing "Blueberry Hill"?
A.    The animals that attempted, and "failed" were:
    o   Chicken
    o   Iguana
    o   Mynah bird
    The creature that actually "sang" was a catfish.  The viewers
    weren't able to hear him because of the water, of course.

Q.    What types of gifts has Dave given to the audience members of
    his shows?
A.    o   Bacon
    o   Bagels
    o   Baked ham
    o   Beef
    o   Bug Busters
    o   Tom Brokaw stationery
    o   Canned hams ("Kraukus imported Polish hams -- very
        expensive!!" says Mike Schneider)
    o   Cartons of cigarettes (handed out by Larry during a remote)
    o   Collapsible drinking cups
    o   Composters
    o   Edible plunger
    o   Fajitas
    o   French fries
    o   Frogs (two formerly owned by Glenn Close)
    o   Frozen turkeys
    o   Gallon jars of mayonnaise
    o   Goodwill Games medals (given to audience members who asked
        questions of Larry "Bud" Hussein)
    o   Handfuls of nickels from a big bucket
    o   Handfuls of watches from a fish bowl
    o   Hot towels (by Larry during a remote)
    o   Jumper cables
    o   Kentucky Fried Millipedes (actually a bucket of fried clams)
    o   Kielbasa
    o   Large squares of sod
    o   Late Night with David Letterman facial blotters (if you
        were an *especially* good little audience member, Dave
        would use it first)
    o   One volume of an encyclopedia set
    o   Packs of assorted GE light bulbs
    o   Pounds of hair
    o   Randomly selected prescription eyeglasses (by Larry)
    o   Roll of garden hose
    o   Selections of fluorescent lighting
    o   Six dollars
    o   Sponges
    o   Tee-shirts (by Bob Rooney)
    o   Tires
    o   Toast
    o   Toast on a stick
    o   _Today_ show coffee mugs
    o   Waffles

Q.    What were the films in LNWDL's Holiday Film Festivals? (1985)
A.    o   "With My Own Eyes," by David Letterman
    o   "But I'm Happy," by Michael Keaton (with Clint Howard)
    o   A film on PMS, by Catherine O'Hara and Andrea Martin
    o   "Dress Cool," music video by Paul and the band
    o   "Why Bother?" by Bette Midler
    o   Industrial video spoof, by Harry Shearer, Christopher
        Guest, and Michael McKean

    From the "2nd Annual Holiday Film Festival" (1986):
    o   "Feelin' in Love,"  David Letterman
    o   "The Iceman Hummeth,"  Michael J. Fox
    o   "An Audience of My Own,"  Diane Sawyer
    o   "My Day With the Stars,"  Jonathan Winters
    o   "You Kill Me" (music video),  Paul Shaffer w/Teri Garr
    o   "Chris Elliott: A Television Miracle," w/George Takei
        (aka Mr. Sulu from "Star Trek")

Q.    What are the different types of "suits" Dave has worn?
A.    o   Suit of Alka-Seltzer
    o   Suit of Lard (worn by someone other than Dave)
    o   Suit of Magnets
    o   Suit of Marshmallows (they tried to light the marshmallows
        with propane torches but failed; eaten by audience)
    o   Suit of Nachos (eaten by members of the audience after
        Dave was dunked in cheese)
    o   Suit of Rice Krispies (milk poured on Dave)
    o   Suit of Sponge (they weighed Dave, dunked him in water,
        then weighed him again, but it was off the scale)
    o   Suit of Suet (Dave went into a cage of birds)
    o   Suit of Teabags (no, wait, that was Steve Allen)
    o   Suit of Vegemite (tm)
    o   Suit of Vegetables
    o   Suit of Velcro (Dave wore the soft part, then he jumped
        onto a wall covered with the other part, and stuck)

Q.    When Chris Elliott was still writing for Late Night, what were
    some of the characters he played?
A.    o   Marlon Brando
    o   The Guy Under the Seats
    o   Marv Albert
    o   Jay Leno (with large fake chin)
    o   Letterman imitation--"Late Night with Chris Elliott"
    o   The Fugitive Guy
    o   The Nervous Guy
    o   The Regulator Guy
    o   Chris Elliott, Jr. (Morton Downey, Jr. take-off w/ lots
        o' moles)
    o   The Panicky Guy
    o   The Conspiracy Guy
    o   Gerard Mulligan's baby boy, "Kevin" (complete w/ diaper)
    o   Jack Hanna of the Columbus Zoo

Q.    What were the Democratic catch-phrases for the 1992 election?
A.    o   "We have compromising pictures of Bush with Angela Lans-
        bury."
    o   "We're Dukkak-er-if-ic!"
    o   "Please. Please...for the love of God PLEASE vote for us!"
    o   "Read my lips.  No Dan Quayle!"
    o   "Bottoms up, Clinto-holics!"
    o   "We don't have a clue, but we don't have a Quayle!"

Q.    What were the Republican catch phrases?
A.    o   "Vote Republican and screw the spotted owl!"
    o   "Lazy, stupid Americans need lazy, stupid leader!" (Japanese
        guy)
    o   "George Bush is a WASP that can sting me anyday!" (old lady)

Q.    What is Larry "Bud" Melman's real name?
A.    Calvert DeForest.  And in fact, for intellectual property reasons,
    Dave is calling "Larry" Calvert on the new show.

Q.    Who played Flunky the Clown on Late Night?
A.    Jeff Martin, a writer.

Q.    I went to go see "Cabin Boy" and Dave Letterman had a cameo
    in the movie, but in the credits they announced that "Earl
    Hofert" played the part played by Dave.  Who's Earl Hofert?
A.    Possibly an uncle on his mom's side.  Every now and then
    you'll hear him use "Hofert" on the show.

Q.    Who all have been the means of delivery of Cokes, etc., from
    the vending machines? (Late Night)
A.    o   The Rockettes (and now on the Late Show as well)
    o   Members of the NYC area chapter of Mensa
    o   Carl Lewis
    o   Boy Scouts
    o   Marching Band
    o   Andy Grayson, trail bike rider, rode down the stairs and
        jumped up on Dave's desk (w/the bike) without touching a
        foot.

Q.    I know Bill Murray was the first scheduled guest on both
    Late Night in 1982 and the Late Show in 1993.
A.    Although recently, Dave told Tom Brokaw that *he* (Tom) was
    "the first guest on our new show" (when Tom came out to
    reclaim certain cue cards as "the intellectual property of
    NBC").

Q.    Right.  But back to Bill Murray in '82 -- what was *that*?
A.    According to Dave, "Bill wanted to do something special, so
    he was coming down early to talk to the writers and see what
    they could come up with together. When he arrived, Merrill
    and I were out filming a segment, and Bill showed up with
    about six gallons of whatever tequila was on sale. When we
    got back, everybody was shitfaced, and it was dark, since
    Bill had decided the florescent lights were leeching Vitamin
    E from them and he'd hidden all the lamps. Nothing was
    written, and the only explanation I could get from anyone was,
    'Bill was here.' When we did get on the air, Bill decided not
    to do any of the stuff we'd written and got an urge to sing
    'Let's Get Physical' and do aerobics. So he did."  >>> As a
    tribute to that historical debut, Paul and the band played
    "Physical" for Bill's intro on the first Late Show.

Q.    What's "the GE corporate handshake"?
A.    In 1986, shortly after General Electric announced its acquisition
    of NBC, Dave went with a camera crew and a fruit basket and/or
    bottle of wine/champagne to the corporate headquarters in
    Manhattan as a gift to GE Chairman Jack Welch.  In one of the
    most-talked moments in the show's history, Dave and the crew were
    met in the lobby by a security thug who told them to shut off the
    camera and get out of the building.  Before the goon was able to
    get his hand over the lens, for a few moments he actually humored
    Dave's attempts to explain why he was there.  The security guy
    would periodically extend his hand, apparently to shake Dave's,
    but when Dave reached out, the guy would *retract* his hand.
    (The goon also did this with Hal Gurnee, who was on the shoot.)
    Noticing this when the tape was played back on the show, Dave
    dubbed it "the GE corporate handshake," and it stuck.  The moment
    is now remembered as the turning point in Dave's relationship
    with the network and its GE-appointed brass, notably the weasels
    in Burbank who thought Dave too "mean."  (Thanks to Ron Bauerle
    of GE for the recap.)

Q.    I heard that Bill Hicks was censored recently!  They never showed
    his act, and replaced him instead with some lame in-house
    comedian.
A.    Well, it's true.  On the night of October 1, 1993, comedian
    Hicks (who has since passed away) delivered a routine that, in
    post-production, was deemed inappropriate for airtime.  Although
    initially executive producer Robert Morton claimed CBS standards
    and practices had ordered the cut, CBS later countered that
    *Worldwide Pants* had cut Hicks -- the truth is probably that
    both offices agreed on the cut.  In a subsequent piece in _The
    New Yorker,_ Hicks complained that Letterman's staff cut the
    routine because of attacks on pro-lifers that did not appeal to
    the show's "mainstream" audience, which Hicks clearly believed
    was a fiction.

    Angus MacDonald, who was in the audience that night, has a
    different interpretation of the events: "He did do a joke early
    in the same routine that could be taken as being anti-gay ...
    Basically, Hicks made fun of bigots ... [and was] impersonating
    a bigot -- 'Those people have gone too far. We've got to draw the
    line,' or words to that effect -- for a stretch of many seconds
    during which there was virtually no audience laughter, though one
    guy in our row yelled 'Yeah' in agreement to the excerpt above.
    Creepy.  Because no one was laughing, Hicks had the worst of both
    worlds: controversial material that was not entertaining.  The
    rest of his routine, as detailed in the New Yorker article and
    elsewhere, was well received.  There was almost no reporting
    about the gay joke, though, and I think the silence it induced
    may have had as much to do with the excision as the attack on
    right-wing Christians."

Q.    Who are the the members of "The CBS Orchestra?"
A.    o   Paul Shaffer, leader/keyboards
    o   Anton Fig, drums
    o   Will Lee, bass guitar
    o   Sid McGinnis, guitar
    o   Felicia Collins, guitar
    o   Bruce Kapler and Tom "Bones" Malone, horns
    o   Bernie Worrell, keyboards (has now left the band)

Q.    Other than Paul, Anton, Will, and Sid, who were members of
    "the band," later titled "The World's Most Dangerous Band"
    on Late Night?
A.    o   Hiram Bullock, guitar
    o   Steven Khan, guitar
    o   Omar Hakim, drums
    o   Steve Jordan, drums
    o   Allan Schwartzberg, drums
    o   Charlie Drayton, drums
    o   Leon Pendarvis, keyboards (would sub for Paul)

Q.    Heyyy, knock me out with some of those great musical intros
    Paul and the band have done over the years for Dave's guests.
A.    Here are just a few.  As Jon Pareles recently noted in the
    _Times,_ "[the] CBS Orchestra seems to be prepared for an
    inordinate number of songs ... it will try nearly anything."
    Such as:
    o   Prince's "I Want To Be Your Lover" for Kim Basinger
    o   "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash/Melle Mel for Cokie
        Roberts
    o   "Frankenstein" by Edgar Winter for Al Franken
    o   "Everytime You Go Away (You Take A Piece of Me With You)"
        by Paul Young following "Top Ten Things Overheard at the
        Lorena Bobbitt Trial"
    o   "Chest Fever" by The Band for Dolly Parton
    o   "The Worst That Could Happen" by The Brooklyn Bridge, for
        Tom and Roseanne Arnold following the announcement they
        would be jointly marrying a third woman.  (The first line
        of the song goes, "Heard you're getting married ...")
    o   "Real Real Real" by Jesus Jones for a segment called "Real
        Books."  This reportedly frightened Dave.
    o   "I Am the Walrus" by the Fabs for Mike Wallace
    o   "Faith" by George Michael for Faith Ford
    o   "If" by Bread during Dave's throw-Wonder-Bread-at-the-
        audience sequence
    o   "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds for Laura Dern
    o   "A Day in the [Dana] Life" for Dana Carvey
    o   "Pets" by Porno for Pyros, for Dana's dogs
    o   Some Animals tune for zookeeper Jack Hanna
    o   "Thank You Falettinme Be Myself (Again)" by Sly & Family
        Stone, as one of Dave's staff and his grade-school gym
        teacher were re-enacting a groin rejuvenation exercise
    o   A Sam & Dave tune, when Sam (Donaldson) was on with Dave
    o   "Wah Wah" by George Harrison for Barbara Walters
    o   "You're Still a Young Man" by Tower of Power for Neil
        Patrick Harris
    o   "Stagger Lee" for Kathie Lee Gifford
    o   "Bennie and the Jets" by Elton John for Dave when he
        gets in one of his "HEY KIDS!" moods
    o   "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton following a Top Ten list
        on the space shuttle Columbia
    o   "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head" by B. J. Thomas
        for Jay Thomas
    o   "You Are So Beautiful" by the Commodores for Phoebe Cates
    o   "New Kid in Town" by the Eagles for Conan O'Brien
    o   "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith for "Top Ten Things Aeroflot
        Can Do To Improve Its Image"
    o   "It's Raining Men" (written by Paul Shaffer!) for Damon
        Wayans (who uses it for his "Blaine and Antoine" routines)
    o   "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam *and* "Joy to the World" by Three
        Dog Night for Jeremy Irons
    o   The theme from "Three's Company" for "Top Ten Good Things
        About Marrying Tom and Roseanne"
    o   "Shipoopi," from _The Music Man_ for "Top Ten Ways To
        Mispronounce Jeff Gillooly"
    o   "Tenth Avenue Freeze-out" by Bruce Springsteen for South
        Pole explorer Norman Vaughan
    o   "Atomic Dog" by George Clinton for Ellen Barkin
    o   "Pick up the Pieces" by the Average White Band for "Top Ten
        Fabio Pick-up Lines"
    o   "I Touch Myself" by the DaVinyls for Sandra Bernhard
    Thanks: Malinda McCall, Barney Luttbeg, Jennifer Rippel, Basil
    T. Maglaris, [e-mail], Robert Reardon, Dave
    Calam, Patricia Bender, Kent Sebastiano, Jason Miller, Carl
    Vanderbush, "Leroy Brown," Richard A. Chonak, S. Trowbridge,
    Kevin G. Barkes, Kurt at PSUVM, Dean Adams, Charlie Bryant,
    Dave Calam, Roy Eassa, and Lon Huber.

Q.    I know that Paul is from Canada, but where?
A.    Thunder Bay, Ontario.  He was born there 11/28/1949.

Q.    Who produces and directs LSWDL?
A.    Executive Producer -- Peter Lassally (a Carson associate)
    Executive Producer -- Robert Morton (aka "Marty Robbins")
      before Morty ... Jack Rollins
    Producer -- Jude Brennan
      before Jude ... Barry Sand (also produced _SCTV_)
    Supervising Producer/Director -- Hal Gurnee (or is it
      Gertner?)
    Head Writer -- Rob Burnett
      before Rob ... Steve O'Donnell
      before Steve ... Merrill Markoe
    Notable ex-writers for the show have included Chris Elliott.
    (Other names anybody wants me to drop?)

Q.    What time do they tape the show?
A.    5:30 to 6:30 pm, Eastern time.  As in, "Everything I do is
    designed to help me do the best job I can between 5:30 and
    6:30."

Q.    What's all this about an Australian version of Late Night?
A.    There used to be a self-admitted knockoff of Dave's show,
    "Tonight Live," hosted by Steve Vizard.  It was cancelled
    in late 1993.  In its place, Australian t.v. has begun to
    broadcast the Late Show.

Q.    What's the translation of the Japanese on the kites in the
    Late Night opening sequence (1992-93)?
A.    One said "Late Night," another, "G.E. sucks."  Then, when NBC
    announced they'd signed Jay Leno as Johnny Carson's successor
    on "Tonight," a third Japanese kite appeared: "Jay sucks."

Q.    Boy, CBS sure pays Dave a lot of money.
A.    Well, but bear in mind, it's *Worldwide Pants* they're forking
    over the dollars to.  That dollar figure you hear is, as Dave
    says, "a lump production fee that CBS pays us" to do the show.
    From this lump Dave draws his salary.  However, the money is a
    big boost from the NBC days and has allowed the Late Show crew
    to attain new heights in visual excitement.  (Haven't you been
    watching?)  Exactly how big that budget or his salary is, Dave's
    not saying.  >>> But get this.  According to Bill Carter, Viacom
    would have paid about $50 million for Dave, given him a huge
    show budget, and made Dave the focal property, including
    possible special projects for Viacom-owned cable networks (MTV,
    VH1, and now Viacom owns Paramount, so Dave could've gotten
    Knicks season tickets to boot).  Dave wanted to be on network
    t.v. -- and would have taken less than CBS's offer to get the
    _Tonight_ franchise.

Q.    Is the Late Show closed-captioned?
A.    It is.  Scott Barvian says, "They obviously do the captioning
    after the final edits are done; all the spelling is correct
    and nothing is missed.  They catch all of Paul's little
    comments that [we] don't always pick up ... they even spelled
    out Dave screaming in terror after picking up a hot towel
    (OHHHH! AHHHH! JEEEZ!)."

Q.    Gosh, I'm young and stupid.  Wouldn't it be great to intern at
    the Late Show?
A.    There's a book that rates a Letterman gig as among the top 100
    internships to have.  But as it cautions, that doesn't mean
    an absence of donkey work.  "Several interns reported having to
    fetch lunch for Dave ('every day it was the same pasta primavera
    and vegetable soup') or whip up a snack ('Dave always had to
    have his fresh pineapple -- cut in strips, not squares')."
    Still, you could touch fame, like the Talent intern who wound up
    finding wacky cooking lady Bev Tanner.  Or, you might be asked
    to call aspiring novelty guests and tell them sorry.  "On hearing
    the news, they would sometimes become angry or crestfallen
    because 'where else can a person show off his potato chip
    collection to eight million people?'"  Don't expect much quality
    time with Dave, no matter what: he is "cordial" when you
    encounter him, but "aloof."

Q.    Is there some way to find out in advance what reruns of Late
    Night are showing on the E! entertainment television network?
A.    Call [phone].  Press 1 to hear the Late Night schedule
    for the week (changes every Monday).  The reruns are aired
    "seven Daves a week" at 10 p.m. Eastern time.  Or, check each
    week's issue of LATE SHOW NEWS (see the end of this FAQ).

Q.    Let's say I want to be a guest on the show -- what should I do?
A.    Directly from Dave himself: "I don't care who you are, I don't
    care what you do.  If you have four funny stories, you can be a
    guest on this show.  That's what we're looking for."

Q.    I've often wondered why Dave doesn't have guest hosts on his
    show the way Johnny Carson always did.
A.    Look where it got Carson.

======================================================================
About this FAQ List, the A. F. of L. Archive, and LATE SHOW NEWS.
======================================================================

Q.    Is the alt.fan.letterman newsgroup available as a mailing list?
A.    No.

Q.    Can I post Top Ten lists to the newsgroup?
A.    Sure.  Just remember there's a mailing list and archive for
    Top Ten lists.  Also, remember the Top Tens are Copyright 1994
    Worldwide Pants Inc.

Q.    How can I contribute?
A.    Send your submissions, questions, and comments to:
        [e-mail]

Q.     Does this newsgroup have an archive?
A.    At least three of 'em.  The first one, I've set up myself on
    my home site, so that I can keep track of things and add items
    at will.  It is
        ftp.mcs.net:/mcsnet.users/barnhart/letterman
    The second contains only the Top Ten lists.  It is
        cathouse.org:/pub/cathouse/television/
            late.night.with.david.letterman
    The third was our old archive, which is still up but not being
    serviced by me:
        quartz.rutgers.edu:/pub/tv+movies/letterman
    Finally, check out these World Wide Web clients (if you've got
    WWW-compatible software):
        http://bingen.cs.csbsju.edu/letterman.html
        http://www.cen.uiuc.edu [go to Personal Webs and choose
            Jason Lindquist]

Q.    Would somebody please type in the entire Playboy interview with
    Dave?  I don't read those kinds of magazines.  Thanks.
A.    OH NO!  WE'RE GONNA GET SUED!

Q.    I crave that late-breaking news about all the big stars, and
    what bigger star is there than Dave Letterman?
A.    Look no further, Sparky, because your charming FAQkeeper
    has taken that matter into his own hands.  Introducing the
    new electronic sheet, LATE SHOW NEWS, with up-to-the-moment
    info from the late-night talk circuit generally, and especially
    Dave's show.  It will be posted to alt.fan.letterman, rec.arts.
    tv, alt.zines, and alt.tv.talkshows.late every Tuesday.  You
    also may subscribe to the LATE-SHOW-NEWS mailing list to get
    each issue mailed directly to you.  Write [e-mail]
    to join.

======================================================================
Sources for this Frequently Asked Questions list.
======================================================================

-->    Beautiful People.

    Well, of course, kudos to D. Keith Rice for maintaining the
    list since way back, I think 1956, '57, before giving it to
    me.  For contributing to this list, Keith and I are indebted
    to Dean Adams, Fritz Anderson, Greg Anderson, Ken Anderson,
    Jason Bak, J.D. Baldwin, John Bartol, Scott Barvian, Laurence
    Bier, John Bonacci, Crist Clark, John Clear, Brian Conn, Marc
    Conte, Todd Cooper, Richard Dawson, Matt Dittrich, Jef Dodd,
    Sean Donnelly, David Eccleston, Kevin Fong, Eric "Juice"
    Fritzius, bj gleason, Mark Goldberg, Norm Gregory, Mathew A.
    Hennessy, Rachel Hill, John Hritz, Ben Jackson, Bill Jones,
    Doug Krause, Ed Krauss, Lana Krotenko, Bob Kupiec, James
    Langdell, James LaPlaine, Don Leaman, Jason Lindquist, Gord
    Locke, Robert Lopez, Lon Lowen, Ian McCuaig, Ken McGlothlen,
    Bill McGonigle, Alan "Mr. Tucks" McKendree, Leigh Meydrech,
    Shamim Zvonko Mohamed, Ken Mohnker, "Noel" at microsoft.com,
    John Oram, Brian Peek, Marshal Perlman, Alan Perry, Tad Perry,
    Dave Platt, Michael Regoli, Tony Rice, Tom Sakoda, Steve
    Shauger, Bill Sherman, Jeff Shimbo, Jason Snell, Greg Sroka,
    Jeff Stephan, Ben Sterling, Christopher Taylor, David C.
    Tuttle, Wendy Tyrol, Rich Urena, Tim Veatch, Jeff Wilder, Mike
    Wittman, Eric "Beermaker" Witmayer, Eric Wood, and of course,
    my first wife, Susan Fanelli.

-->    Primary Print Sources.

    _Playboy_ magazine interviews, 1984 and 1994.
    _The Late Shift_ by Bill Carter, 1994.
    _The David Letterman Story_ by Caroline Latham, 1987.
    "Stay Up Late" by James Kaplan, _The New Yorker,_ 1/16/89.


======================================================================
Important note about changes to the FAQ list, effective version 9.02.
======================================================================

If this FAQ list looks very different from previous (v. 9.01 and
earlier) versions, it's because I've taken the following steps:

1.    I've compacted the outline into four sections:

    *   Top Ten Questions Asked on the A. F. of L. Newsgroup.
    *   Questions about Dave himself.
    *   Show questions.
    *   Newsgroup/archive/LATE SHOW    NEWS questions.

2.    I've moved questions around and edited the text somewhat.
    Also, I've moved the general information about this list,
    including the credits, to the end.

On a related note, the Song Book will no longer be posted on a
monthly basis, but every quarter instead.  However, the latest
version is available in the archives.  Next update June 20.

By making these changes, I also hope to create a bigger, information-
stuffed FAQ list that will serve as your one-stop source for just
about anything you'd want to know about Your TV Pal.  I have set a
goal of adding enough new material this year to expand the list to
two or three times its current size, at which time I'll reorganize
it yet again for ease of us.  For now, I'm minimizing the organizing-
codifying duties so to free myself for hunting and gathering (grunt).


This article is Copyright (c) 1994 by Aaron Barnhart.
It may be freely redistributed so long as the author's name, and this
notice, remain intact.  It may be distributed as long as no fee is
charged for distribution.  If it is made available for downloading on
a bulletin board system (BBS) that charges a fee for downloading priv-
ileges, it must be in a directory that is available to all BBS users,
including those that have not paid.  If the BBS does not have any
file directories available for all paid and non-paid users, this FAQ
must not be made available for download.

                                      .o ____~~~~_____~.
                                   ..(                  )....
                                  (                          ))
                  .ooo.          (    'Dem special effects   .  )
                 / ))' \         (                            )  o.
                 { , , }       'o (      is FAAANTASTIC !       )
                (  "_"  )   ..o'   (o..                          .)
                 " .o. "              .(.                     ) )
             .---/\___//\----.           .(.~~~        ___...) o
            ."  .\  Y  |.     `.              .o -------o.
            :    .\ ^  |.      `>.
            ;   \  /^\ |.   .\.   >..
            ;   |  /^\  \   " `..   `>.
            :   \  /^\   | ./   "<..   `..
            ;   {  /^\    \./:     ""<..  `\
     ________\   "~~~~...._\/_/________`\\_/===.,___________
              \,,,.../~~~=~                 `~~~'

(courtesy Tim Veatch)

--
Aaron Barnhart
[e-mail]